What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 05:55
But it wasn’t much.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She wouldn,t have been !
I think the readers, may guess!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Is it true that all men want a woman who looks like an Instagram “model”?
She married twice! .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He knew the spot.
Why are Republicans such intolerant people?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
What was your biggest culture shock going to Europe?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I write beautiful poetry .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
What happened to your school bully?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
How can I stop overthinking and take action more quickly?
I will be 64.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
What are some of your favorite hip hop lyrics?
It was going to be , some day.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was seconnd youngest,
Comes on , in middle age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She found it foreign!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
(And it was in our own minds.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My life is so biszare .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I could never make a relationship work though!
But, we were locked up after school.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I said to her
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So whats the point in blame.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
This is soul school!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im still living with it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I don,t even have a pension.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
All the time i was locked up.
I was scared of men, in general
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We all went to grammer schools
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ive learnt so much.
My family never makes their pension either.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I have no regrets .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She loved him until the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
What did i know ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was 9 years of age.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We were not on the streets..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Would this be the day?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Put me off passion for life!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But ive been too sick for many years..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So, i spoilt her more .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I waited trembling.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I couldn’t, believe it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She was in good health!
One cannot live in the past .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When she asked me how she looked .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And i lived it daily.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was very sick at this time too.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He was dying to do it , i knew.